THIS IS WHHYYYY

my parents whom i love occasionally, love me , but not as much as they love Ktv. Ktv is a tamil song and movie channel. they give me so much shit for my love of HBO but my father didn't even last 2 days without his precious tamil channel. due to the fact Time warner cable does not have tamil channels included in their international package we now have 2 different cable services in my house. my parents, downstairs tv, and the guest room have DISH and i have time warner.

dish the company my father so PROUDLY fought with over high bills, and over charging, and stealing money he has now gone back to them. clearly he has NO sense of loyalty.

so now my parents have their cable, and i have mine. everyones happy, except one problem now no one ever talks. gosh if i EVER "bother" them while their Ktv is on (its on 24/7 they wake up to it and fall asleep to it) its like the end of the world. sometimes i will tell them something exciting like how my jeans don't fit bc they are too loose you would think they would be proud or say congratulations or anything but no all i get is a "can u move, your blocking the tv." this has happened now almost once a day, i go to tell them something exciting but no that damn TV is on and i know not to bother them bc i will just end up crying bc no one pays attention to me.

its sad really they only have ONE child and i feel unloved. good thing they didn't have anymore children , could you imagine how messed up they would be?


*this is revenge, knowing my parents after reading this, they MOST DEFINITELY will not pay attention to me

im legal!

on september 1st 2010 i became an American citizen. i dnt think it would have happened but since they RAISED the fees my dad got scared and decided he should pay because "they might raise the fees again next year."


you see, i got the letter that i was eligible to apply for my citizenship two years ago, but my parents didn't want to pay the 400 dollars because we were going to sri lanka and money was tight. fine that is understandable, so being the way that i am i wasn't going to pay for something my parents wanted me to do. don't get me wrong i LOVE being an american and im proud of my freedom of speech because lets be honest no one in sri lanka would put up with my crap. BUT again i wasn't going to pay 400 dollars to become a citizen. i mean YOU have to pay to belong?? having an american passport never occurred to me as a pro never as a con either. i was just indifferent towards the idea.

so for two years it just kept getting postponed. finally my father decides its time to apply due to the fact i go to sri lanka every year and the immigration department gives me shit every time. so finally as i was coming home one day my father announces until my citizenship stuff is taken care of , i cannot travel to sri lanka. can you believe it? the man was BANNING ME FROM MY HOMELAND. he's so bi polar when it comes to the native land sometimes he goes on and on about anything having to do with sri lanka and sometimes he's so happy to be in america. i always explain to him unless he lives in sri lanka he has NO right to complain about it.

anyways, so finally my dad realizes instead of 400 now he has to pay 675, needless to say he was even more pissed off than usual. he was telling me how THANKFUL i should be because he was paying for it. i told him it was an investment, clearly he was investing in my happiness.


finally i get a letter saying the date of my test is on september 1st 2010. then the 2nd thought popped into my head, " i have to take a freaking test to PROVE i want to be american ???" of course being that it is me, i panic even though i know all the answers because its been embedded in me since i have taken history classes since the 7th grade. but i always panic before tests.


after waiting 2 hours it was finally my turn , it was over in 10 minutes. it was such a let down all that anticipation for 10 minutes.. i tried to explain this to my father but all he wanted to know was if i was a citizen or not.

so im halfway there, now i can go to sri lanka slam my passport or wave it in peoples faces and be like "but im american BITCH!"

letter to vent

dear you,

thank you for once again proving urself to me and being a total jackass. im sorry i wear my heart on my sleeve. its my fault i guess i trust and love everyone. im sorry for that. i keep hoping for u to be nicer, calmer, and everything u never were. i dnt know if i will ever stop wishing for that but i hope u know i will be permanently damaged because of you.

in the past year i have learnt the true meaning of people and the NASTY ness they are capable of. people you feel u can trust or people who supposedly love you STAB you in the back. its a shame that people only think of their own gain and benefits and dnt look at the bigger picture.

i have gotten to the point where i trust no one besides my few close friends. they are my family. i am so sick and tired of people telling who's to be trusted and who is not to be trusted. you have ALL PROVEN yourselves to me for better or for worse.

just know once you loose my trust, its gone, i have not yet said all the things i want to say and dnt worry when i see you i will. once that is done if i am at fault then i can be the bigger person and say sorry. i will let by gones be by gones BUT if i find out the whole truth and i dnt like it, i will wish u all good luck bc you will need it.

there are certain people who think bc it has not been brought up that i must have forgotten. well just a heads up I HAVENT and i wont. please dnt prove me wrong and give me a reason to dislike u but im trying so hard not to.



i didn't write this to hurt anyones feelings. i wrote this to vent.

ps: if this hurts imagine what i have been feeling for the PAST YEAR.

letter to myself

i get stuck in a rut every often and then i write a letter to myself to get it together. this rut seems to be the longest i have had in a while, and this letter seems to be the best of the bunch


dear Kulzum,
this is a letter to yourself to get your shit together. i realize that in your head everytime you read a book or see a movie about someone “finding themselves”’, you want to quit your reality (meaning job, family, and basic day to day life.) and do that too but you cant do that. life does not work that way.

i realize your having a mid life crisis and you dont know what you want to do with your life and waking up every day is a bitch but seriously get it together.

you need to look hard in the mirror and face your demons within yourself. i realize your unhappy and you feel so mundane about life but please stop taking it out on people like your mother who mostly doesn't deserve it. yes there are some people who do deserve it like your father bc if he snaps you snap back and that is okay and justified.

i know its hard but writing seems to help, so why you do that everyday. dont be jealous of the life you wish you led, just keep reminding yourself that your sri lankan and because you are an only child you have to be perfect. everyone’s life takes them on different road and yours right now is apparently at a long ass traffic signal that wont turn green. but don't worry i have faith somehow someway when you least expect it it will turn green and you will be riding off in the sunset
Sincerely yours,

kulzum

HBO

as mentioned in an earlier blog, no one needs to understand my need for HBO they just need to know thats its important. for the past how many ever weeks, one week before season 3 of TRUE BLOOD is to start, one can understand the panic and frenzy i was in. my main goal in life at the time was to somehow get HBO back on tv. i tried being mean, angry, crying-everything but my father would not budge.

father :kulzum why cant you understand, these bastards just steal our hard-earned money?
me: WHY cant you understand I WOULD PAY ANYTHING just because of TRUE BLOOD???
father: FINE then you pay the cable bill!
me: i cant im poor
father: you are SO UNGRATEFUL!!!!
me YOUR so mean im going to tell vapuma (grandma)

this went on for a few weeks, the fights were more or less the same. Finally i had to resort to involving my mother, usually when the father and i are on the outs she usually stays out of it. EVERYDAY for 2 weeks i would cry and beg and plead her to tell my father to get HBO again. she probably wouldnt have cared except for the fact that we work together and she knew i would keep doing this until HBO is back on my tv.

finally the day came june 9th it was 7 am and i was heading in to take my shower when i could hear my dad again.
father: you know what then CANCEL all this shit, i dnt need you.
me (thinking): oh shit, great now not only will i not have HBO i wont have CABLE period. me and my big mouth oh god oh god

like a creeper i stood outside my parents room listening to my father rant for a good 15 minutes or so. finally i heard "ok good HBO is now back, thank you"

my heart almost immediately flug out of my chest i was that excited. TRUE BLOOD was starting june 13th, and i had HBO back with plenty of time to spare. my whining and nagging worked!

Perks of being an only child :)

“KULZUM TO BE HAPPY YOU NEED A HUSBAND!”

If my grandma had her way I would be married right now to a sri lankan doctor/ engineer with 1 kid and a baby on the way. Since I turned 18 her mission in life has been to get me married.

In a way its sweet but for someone who is so cultured my grandma sure is sri lankan in her way of thinking about marriage and girls. Her favorite sentence to say to me is “kulzum to be happy you need a husband!” its cute until it becomes annoying and then there is screaming and crying and then a lot of im sorrys.

I did not grow up in sri lanka. I am not even sure I want to get married. I have made it very clear to my grandma I do not want to marry a sri lankan from sri lanka but over the years I have come to realize boys are boys no matter what country they are born and raised in. so basically my distaste in boys/men have spread to not just sri lankan boys/men but to ALL/most boys/men. My grandmother CLEARY doesn’t understand this and still I guess ignores what I say and STILL tries to find me a husband. I think now that she has taken it easy work wise and she has less to do (because she chooses to) she now has ample time to find me a “perfect match”.

I totally understand that my grandma grew up with the culture that promotes getting married young, making babies young, and staying home and being the perfect housewife. My grandma doesn’t even fit into this mold but still feels the need to make sure I do. My grandmother did get married young, made babies young and most importantly she started to work. True, it wasn’t by choice and it was out of necessity but she grew to love it. She is now an independent woman making her own money but still feels the need to get me married to a man “who will take care of me”

One would think I would learn to shut my mouth and just say no to every guy she thinks of introducing me to. But, no of course not because Im to cool for that. I have to make comments and snide remarks at everyone of the men. This upsets my grandmother and sends her into a frenzy of loud, screaming rants that I don’t understand because its in three languages.

I know she means well I just wish she would find a more presentable approach. All in all I have to either get with the program or once and for all let her know I aint having it because im running out of excuses

5 minutes of prayer, 15 minutes of gossip

One of the highlights of visiting the native land, besides talking to people I do not know but clearly know me, is visiting the village country. Village country is also known as matara, also known as my hometown. I was born there but from a small age I never knew accustomed to that city. The only reason I like going to Matara is because I get to run into Hafifa datha, or my grandma’s prayer lady. Her job is to come once a week to our house and pray to bless the house, but really she comes over and in all of 15 minutes everyone in the house at the time will know the WHOLE town gossip.

She really does come over with the best of intentions to pray, and lead a pious life, but within 5 minutes her prayers have turned into her talking about the shameful daughter of the milkman from 3 doors down. Everyone living in that house knows of this, everyone cant understand why my grandma STILL lets her come over to “bless the house by this and everyone is concerned except for my poor grandma who is always defeating her.

My grandma has this problem. She feels everyone elses problem is her problem, so if anyone needs help its my grandmas mission to help them. So anyone who needs a job comes to my grandma because they know she will find something for them to do at our house. That is in fact how Hafifa got this job of praying.

Hafifa came over one day with her woes, worries and troubles of not having any money. She always tells my grandma how she is well-versed in the Qur’an and how she loves reciting the Qur’an. That is when my grandma had this Brilliant idea to have her come over very Friday and “bless” our house. So for 3 years now like clockwork there she sits in my grandmas room at 9 :45 am “praying” when really she stops anyone who walks by and in detail becomes the CNN breaking news and tells us everything.

Hafifas other favorite thing to do is to introduce me to everyone she knows who is my age who is happily married. She really believes if I meet other women who are married, I too would want to be married with 2.3 babies. What she doesn’t understand is when I meet these girls I panic. Hafifa sees what they have gained ; babies, a husband, new family and responsibilities. I see what they have lost; their youth, freedom, and sleep.

It makes me laugh how two people can look at the same situation, person, or place and have two completely different views.

a letter for me???

I am what some would call a paranoid mess. i myself like to think of it as me being a nervous wreck. whether im on a boat, a plane, or driving i panic. it was amazing that i even got my license. since i was 15 i have taken a total of about 7 or 8 permit tests. most people get their permits and in 6 months TAKE their drivers license test. i held on to it like some sort of shield.

finally i got the guts to take my license test when i was 18, yes thats right i PRACTICED driving for 3 YEARS.finally i got my license and everyone was shocked that i actually received it in my hands and was now legally allowed to function a moving vehicle.

so now being 22 years, i have done well in the accident and ticket department. maybe because i dnt drive unless i absolutely have to, or i wont drive far unless im the DD, or maybe bc i actually am a safe driver contrary to popular belief. i think people in the passenger seat panic bc i panic-not bc im an unsafe driver.

this pre story brings me to my next story. the day i got a ticket.
last summer i was preparing for my trip to the native land aka sri lanka alone. first time traveling alone and internationally. i was trying to prove to my parents that i was a big girl, that im independent, and responsible. all that was shot to hell the day i got a speeding ticket.

i was at my freinds house when i realized i was already about 15 mins late for work. so like a mad dash i frantically left her house and was ZOOMING down a 35 mph at 75 mph. when suddenly i realized i had just DASHED past a cop on a motorcycle lurking in the bushes like a creeper. my first thought was maybe he didnt see me because i was going so fast, then my second thought was who the hell am i kidding , he saw me bc now hes following me. so of course i pulled over, my palms were sweaty and my heart was beating a million beats per second.

me: hello officer
creeper cop: hi mam do you know why i pulled you over?
me: of course, i was speeding, because i was late for work...NOt that you care
creeper cop: i dont care, and you were going 75 mph
me: ohhhh was i? huh well im late
creeper cop: let me see your license and registration please
me: okey dokey.

for a minute i thought he would feel bad for me, for a minute i thought about crying but when i looked in my rear view mirror and saw him ripping out that dam ticket i knew i was done for. he handed me my ticket and went on his way to find the next bush for him to stand guard at so he can spring up on someone else. i sat in the car for a minute or 2 and then immediately called my best friend to tell her what happened. once i got done telling her she immediately started laughing and said "you were speeding? what did u go 5 miles above the speeding limit?" the ironic thing is i do not even speed and the ONE time i do, i get busted.

going home i knew i couldnt tell my father, he was already on my case about how i dont wash dishes and im a child and wouldnt be able to function without him and my mom. i knew i couldnt tell him because i knew he was right and also because he would probably end up paying for the ticket, why? because i have a shoe habit to support and thus because of this always broke.

the time finally came for me to go to sri lanka. i was packed, organized, and ready to be on my way. at the airport during my last goodbyes i handed my father a letter. he was soo touched he actually hugged me (my family is not the affectionate type). all the while i left so guilty bc i knew what was in that letter, it was not a cute i miss you guys note, it was my speeding ticket and a letter begging them not to be mad.

once in sri lanka, settled in and unpacking i figured since i have given my parents a few days to simmer down i can call them and ask them how they reacted to my letter. needless to say my mom thought it was cute and funny in a "only her daughter would do this kinda way" my father on the other hand, was NOT amused. he told me my little "gift" cost him 300 dollars and my insurance to hike up, i kindly reminded him this was a small price to pay to keep his ONLY child happy and then he said some words i cannot repeat.

conversations wit my mama

marriage seems to be a hot topic with my mama these days, and i love messing with her.i love to give her these scenarios because her faces are priceless.

me: mama if i married some famous actor what would you do?
mama: um well um what????
me: would you be shocked?
mama: umm YES
me: like happy shocked, mad shocked , or disappointed shocked?
mama: umm disappointed
me: would dada be mad?
mama:YES, what do you think?
me: would you forgive me?
mama: well i would have no choice rite....
me: would dada?
mama: no he would probably never talk to you again
me: oh well ...um ok but you would rite? wait of course u would HOW else would u see ur cute Hybrid grand babies???!?!?!?!

meeting my maker

For most people meeting their maker would be the conversation they have with God once they die. For me meeting my maker is going to see my grandma once a year in the native land. it’s the strangest thing, shes SHORTER than me, has a lion’s mane for hair like me and is probably the most creative person I know. Its amazing how she can cry and guilt me into doing certain things but without fail, like clockwork it happens every year.

My grandma is the shortest nicest and most intimidating person I know. I am not the kind of person to take orders from anyone. But she has this sick twisted hold over me and I always do as im told. When I first started my trips back to the native land, I would do everything she told. Over time I have learned what I can get away with and what I definitely have to follow: Be polite to old people with no teeth who make fun of me, always wear jewelry, cover my head, sit with my hands placed on my lap and most importantly; if ever invited to someone’s house ALWAYS eat what they offer unless you want to feel grandma’s wrath. My grandma doesn’t find my sense of humor funny, she doesn’t understand what being sarcastic is and she always wishes I was a boy so that she can excuse my temper to people. I know in some twisted way she does love me, but I also so she wishes she could mold me into being the perfect grandchild that does not embarrasses her in front of her sri lankan super religious friends. She also now knows if ever we are “talking loudly and disagreeing with each other” all she has to do is cry, it is not even as if her feeling are hurt, its her way of ending the disagreement without saying im sorry. This seems to be a pattern with the older sri lankan generation.

Over time I think my grandma has realized its just not worth telling me certain things because im as stubborn as a mule and I do not care. But God bless her it does not stop her from trying.

love-hate

Tosh who is probably the sweetest and kindest 3 year old one will meet and he’s in fact in love with Peri. Peri and Tosh have the best love-hate relationship I have seen in my 22 years of life. Tosh and peri call each other their boyfriend and girlfriend. it’s the cutest thing. Except I know they will probably end up getting married. You see it’s a perfect relationship. Peri tells him what to do and he listens. I think only once I saw tosh say no to peri and that threw the whole relationship off balance. The whole day was out of the norm after that.

Men should be in on a little secret its called “ we don’t really care what you say or think, because we will do what we want anyways.” you see peri has perfected this to an art. She will listen to tosh like she is going to do what he wants but somehow will sweet talk him into playing with dolls or playdough. Tosh secretly knows he is being conned but doesn’t care. He loves peri that much. Hes a smart man, he knows never to piss off the one you love.

too much pink?

my friend who shall remain nameless told me the blog is too much pink and it hurts his eyes. (im paraphrasing) .

so i promise to change layout soon :)

peris favorite nest

Peri Elizabeth, is a diva in her own right, shes three, sassy, and knows whos boss-herself. Peri Elizabeth started at my moms daycare when she was only four months old. From the day she started she has been slowly becoming my mom favorite child. My mom doesn’t just have an only child anymore, she also has Peri. I think slowly and gradually my mom is laying all her hopes and dreams on Peri because I have failed her over and over again.

Peri and I have countless encounters where I usually end up crying. Yes I know im the grown woman and shes the child. Peri just has this lovely effect ON ME. You see I think im threaten by a 3 year old, its sad but true. When my mom first met Peri and they had that immediate bond. I knew I was done for. My mom babying me, ends here and now forever.

My hair usually has a mind of its own. Having to tame it is an understatement. Since I work with children and they are not supposed to judge I usually have it up in a bun. If I straightened it everyday I would be bald right now. Anyways, one day I noticed Peri staring at me every curiously. So I asked her why she was staring at me. She looked me straight in the eyes and asked “ummm nu-nu does somthin live in your hair becuz its soooooooo big” my heart just about sunk when she asked me this. Maybe bc I was PMSing I got so upset or maybe because I was in genuine shock. Either way I responded as any normal adult would have done. “why yes peri, it’s a nest for birds” of course shes to smart and dignified to even respond to that so she did what she usually does when im talking, and walked away.

HBO

HBO

The one thing in my pathetic so called life that brings me great pleasure is the show TRUE BLOOD. Yes I kno its about vampires, and werewolves and all things that are not real but I secretly wish were. I started watching true blood because of a certain beautiful import from Sweden called Alexander Skarsgard, but as I started watching I got wrapped up in all the characters and the 800 different story lines. When the show went on hiatus I was upset but I wasn’t that worried because I knew they would show reruns every Sunday night until the the season 3 premiere . One can imagine how upset I was when I found out my father decided to cancel HBO bc "those bastards(cable company) only want to steal my money.” the state of shock I was in was not a normal one. Yes I could watch it online, yes I already watched season 2 and season 3 doesn’t start till june. That however, was NOT THE POINT. The point is the one thing that I actually looked forward to every week was taken away. WHY? all because my father didn’t want to pay the extra 67 dollars.

My dad does this every once in a while. He will be mad about something else, anything really and he takes it out on the cable company. He can be mad about what was made for dinner but mad enough and he lets the cable company have it. I feel sorry for the one person from dish network who gets to listen to my father rant for a good 15 to 20 mins.2 reasons I feel this sympathy 1. They probably cant understand him through his thick sri lankan acccent and 2. He makes them feel bad by saying things like “you, the company is making my blood pressure RISE with these high bills!“ the poor customer service representative who answered the call must be going through a range of emotions that first start out as guilt and slowly work towards anger. This seems to be a pattern with him. Every few months he will cancel MY favorite channels. I think its because secretly he wants me to be miserable.

I have become so wrapped in the show that I started to read the books. There are 9 books out. Each book is more or less based on each season of the show. I read all 9 books in about 5 days. This did not make my mother happy. she couldn’t understand what was so important in this book that I couldn’t put it out for 10 minutes to help her clean the floors. Needless to say when I tried to explain to her about the importance of “sookie and eric finally telling each other how they feel” she looked at me like a BELONGED in a mental institution. I tried to get her to read the books and all she told me was “ I dnt have time to shave my legs, you think I want to read ur damn books?’

IM IN A RUT2

MARCH-29-2010

My plan to write everyday has been a pathetic fail. Its not even as if I have anything better to do. Well I mean I guess watching hours of tv an eating TV dinners is pretty important. But today is a new day and its time to start a new me. I realize I say this every other week but this time I mean it. Im going to the gym today 1. To meet my best friend who works there and bitch about life and 2. To find out exactly how much it would cost my dear mommy for me to be a member. (VERY NICE of her to offer to pay but i know shes only doing it to get me out of the house more)

Im in a rut and this rut is called LIFE. Im not unhappy but I can stand to be a little happier with my life. Im not motivate to do anything anymore. Everything has become sooo mundane. I dream of living this amazing life, being surrounded by amazing people and doing amazing things all day, but in order for that to happen I must first do something fantastic of course, i do not know that this fantastic thing im supposed to do is but I will figure it out. I think that’s partly another reason im writing. I feel in the mist of all my ramblings, something great will form and come to life.

I must admit while I sit here in the car roasting half to death and writing, it feels almost therapeutic. Of course it could be bc I just turned the air conditioner on to full blast. I mean who knows. Either way im feeling pretty good.

the rut I'm in.

please excuse all grammar, and spelling errors :)

these are my journal entries and this blog is just for my short shorties/rants/rambling. these are all just a glimpse into my life.

MARCH-9-2010

Well I guess this is what its come to. I have to write down everything before I go insane. My whole life is a sham. I knew for a long time. This is the first time I said or wrote it down out loud. I guess I should start at the beginning. Well here it goes:

1. I hate my job. let me rephrase that i dont hate what i do, but i do hate working with my mother. Now i understand why people never go into business with their freinds and family. at the end of each day im ready to pull out my HAIR.

2. I hate that I have to resort to an arranged marriage. I guess deep down I am a romantic and the fact that I STILL havent found anyone is just starting to piss me off.

3. Im a hypocrite. I mean I guess everyone is to a certain extend but me more so that others bc im always on a soap box going on and on about people/society/culture and so on. yet, i do not follow anything of what i say.

that’s everything in a nutshell. God I sound suicidal. I just need to figure out my life/thoughts/future. I need to get away from my family and just escape. I can never fully be independent when everyone does everything for me. I know im more fortunate than most but seriously I cant help but wonder what it would be like if I didn’t have anyone to bail me out. by bail me out i dont mean from jail. i mean things like pay my high phone bills and parking tickets.

Im a good kid. Well I mean socially. Religiously and culturally I am definitely for sure going straight to hell first. From the outside everyone tells my parents how lucky they are to have such a great kid…my life would be a lot easier if i didnt live two lives but you see that would be hard to do. peer pressure is a horrible thing and makes one do things they regret but they learn from. on the other hand if i lived how my parents wanted me to i would never go out. i would wear shalwar kameez all the time and i would wear a hijab.

Being the only child adds pressure that one cannot imagine. I have to be perfect, I dnt have a choice. All my parents hopes and dreams ride on me. God it broke their heart when I told them I didn’t want to be a doctor I do not even want to think what would happen if I told them I just want to travel the world doing odd jobs wherever I go. It would seriously KILL my mother. I know it would. My father would probably look at me like he knew it was coming. i think i have disappointed him enough, i dnt think anything else i can say or do will shock him.

i will be posting more ramblings/rants shortly :)