for the love of ...NAILS?

nail polish has ALWAYS been an interest of mine. but lately i feel it has become a head on Obessesion.

painting my nails started in 7th grade when i was going through my "goth phase" and nail polish was the only thing my sri lankan parents let me wear. " no kulzum u cant wear black lipstick, are u mad? what will people say?'. so this was my form of rebelling. they had ruled out lipstick, eyeshadow and dyeing my hair. they never said anything about nail polish, so of course i found the loop hole. i felt like such a bad ass.

my parents were NOT very happy with my colors of nail polish (black and black...ALWAYS) but they had no choice bc they technically never said no. i never experiments with colors, tried out designs or nail art. but as i got older i suddenly stopped, there was always an excuse to why my nails were not painted or painted once every 3 months.

my addiction has gotten to the point that i have a rack of nail polish in my closet wall and i will probably need another one soon, i have spent hundreds (hard earned) dollars, and the worst i change them up every 2 or 3 days :/ i cant stop. i guess its better than me being a drug addict :) i just want my nails to be pretty.

recently (past year) i have become so into all things nail. experimenting with colors, designs, and rhinestones. im self taught, and i NEVER have to spend 25-30 dollars paying an asian women to talk shit about me while doing my nails. clearly they are speaking about your ugly feet or bitten nail beds in their native tongue as they do your nails. all you can do is sit there and smile or pretend u understand them. this is the option i usually choose, to make them feel bad. yes i know im a horrible person.

at the end of the day NO one understands my passion for nails but i do. i have found the one thing that i love, that relaxes me and makes me feel pretty :)

True blood

so season 4 of true blood has started and yes i can say it....BEST SEASON YET. well i say that every time a new season starts but i think this time i really mean it. my swedish import looks to be more than evil this season... JUST how i like him. Jason seems to be trying to do the right think but you still just want to slap him and say "stop being stupid!'. all the other characters just kind of come and go but my swedish import...hes prefect in every way. i also have noticed my father (hater of all things true blood) watch the re runs every once in a while...little by little im converting everyone into a lover.

poetry

i write poetry as well :)


little dancer who stomps
all over my heart
drip drip
i see the tears
roll down to hit the floor
as you pass by
the pain is not hidden
it speaks through
your eyes
u twirl and u turn
u jump and u spin
u glide across
the sky
your eyes
tell a story
a dark and sad story
your body filled with grace
moves robotically and lifeless
like a toy
forced to move
with fingers
little dancer
let me in
fill me with your sadness
open up your heart to me
little dancer
u make my heart cry
cold and cautious
hurt and unloved
little dancer who stomps
all over my heart



he sits alone crying
wondering how his life
ran ahead of him
he tries so hard
to catch up
but he just cant seem to
he wonders if she ever loved him
or the idea of him
he used to think
lovers were dreamers
but now he knows
lovers are fighters
he fought so hard for his love
but his love was his destruction
he stares straight into the lite
hoping it will make everything alrite
but he knows the light doesnt fix
it only blinds
buried deep in a hole
he prays for the angel
that will one day
save him.




just a passing glance
was all it took
to melt my heart
and break it into two
sweet sorrys
and broken promises
were all i knew
my heart knew
not kindness
but my melting point
was you
all the charm
in the world
and a smile
that could kill
just a passing glance
was all it took
to melt my heart
and break it into two

THIS IS WHHYYYY

my parents whom i love occasionally, love me , but not as much as they love Ktv. Ktv is a tamil song and movie channel. they give me so much shit for my love of HBO but my father didn't even last 2 days without his precious tamil channel. due to the fact Time warner cable does not have tamil channels included in their international package we now have 2 different cable services in my house. my parents, downstairs tv, and the guest room have DISH and i have time warner.

dish the company my father so PROUDLY fought with over high bills, and over charging, and stealing money he has now gone back to them. clearly he has NO sense of loyalty.

so now my parents have their cable, and i have mine. everyones happy, except one problem now no one ever talks. gosh if i EVER "bother" them while their Ktv is on (its on 24/7 they wake up to it and fall asleep to it) its like the end of the world. sometimes i will tell them something exciting like how my jeans don't fit bc they are too loose you would think they would be proud or say congratulations or anything but no all i get is a "can u move, your blocking the tv." this has happened now almost once a day, i go to tell them something exciting but no that damn TV is on and i know not to bother them bc i will just end up crying bc no one pays attention to me.

its sad really they only have ONE child and i feel unloved. good thing they didn't have anymore children , could you imagine how messed up they would be?


*this is revenge, knowing my parents after reading this, they MOST DEFINITELY will not pay attention to me

im legal!

on september 1st 2010 i became an American citizen. i dnt think it would have happened but since they RAISED the fees my dad got scared and decided he should pay because "they might raise the fees again next year."


you see, i got the letter that i was eligible to apply for my citizenship two years ago, but my parents didn't want to pay the 400 dollars because we were going to sri lanka and money was tight. fine that is understandable, so being the way that i am i wasn't going to pay for something my parents wanted me to do. don't get me wrong i LOVE being an american and im proud of my freedom of speech because lets be honest no one in sri lanka would put up with my crap. BUT again i wasn't going to pay 400 dollars to become a citizen. i mean YOU have to pay to belong?? having an american passport never occurred to me as a pro never as a con either. i was just indifferent towards the idea.

so for two years it just kept getting postponed. finally my father decides its time to apply due to the fact i go to sri lanka every year and the immigration department gives me shit every time. so finally as i was coming home one day my father announces until my citizenship stuff is taken care of , i cannot travel to sri lanka. can you believe it? the man was BANNING ME FROM MY HOMELAND. he's so bi polar when it comes to the native land sometimes he goes on and on about anything having to do with sri lanka and sometimes he's so happy to be in america. i always explain to him unless he lives in sri lanka he has NO right to complain about it.

anyways, so finally my dad realizes instead of 400 now he has to pay 675, needless to say he was even more pissed off than usual. he was telling me how THANKFUL i should be because he was paying for it. i told him it was an investment, clearly he was investing in my happiness.


finally i get a letter saying the date of my test is on september 1st 2010. then the 2nd thought popped into my head, " i have to take a freaking test to PROVE i want to be american ???" of course being that it is me, i panic even though i know all the answers because its been embedded in me since i have taken history classes since the 7th grade. but i always panic before tests.


after waiting 2 hours it was finally my turn , it was over in 10 minutes. it was such a let down all that anticipation for 10 minutes.. i tried to explain this to my father but all he wanted to know was if i was a citizen or not.

so im halfway there, now i can go to sri lanka slam my passport or wave it in peoples faces and be like "but im american BITCH!"

letter to vent

dear you,

thank you for once again proving urself to me and being a total jackass. im sorry i wear my heart on my sleeve. its my fault i guess i trust and love everyone. im sorry for that. i keep hoping for u to be nicer, calmer, and everything u never were. i dnt know if i will ever stop wishing for that but i hope u know i will be permanently damaged because of you.

in the past year i have learnt the true meaning of people and the NASTY ness they are capable of. people you feel u can trust or people who supposedly love you STAB you in the back. its a shame that people only think of their own gain and benefits and dnt look at the bigger picture.

i have gotten to the point where i trust no one besides my few close friends. they are my family. i am so sick and tired of people telling who's to be trusted and who is not to be trusted. you have ALL PROVEN yourselves to me for better or for worse.

just know once you loose my trust, its gone, i have not yet said all the things i want to say and dnt worry when i see you i will. once that is done if i am at fault then i can be the bigger person and say sorry. i will let by gones be by gones BUT if i find out the whole truth and i dnt like it, i will wish u all good luck bc you will need it.

there are certain people who think bc it has not been brought up that i must have forgotten. well just a heads up I HAVENT and i wont. please dnt prove me wrong and give me a reason to dislike u but im trying so hard not to.



i didn't write this to hurt anyones feelings. i wrote this to vent.

ps: if this hurts imagine what i have been feeling for the PAST YEAR.

letter to myself

i get stuck in a rut every often and then i write a letter to myself to get it together. this rut seems to be the longest i have had in a while, and this letter seems to be the best of the bunch


dear Kulzum,
this is a letter to yourself to get your shit together. i realize that in your head everytime you read a book or see a movie about someone “finding themselves”’, you want to quit your reality (meaning job, family, and basic day to day life.) and do that too but you cant do that. life does not work that way.

i realize your having a mid life crisis and you dont know what you want to do with your life and waking up every day is a bitch but seriously get it together.

you need to look hard in the mirror and face your demons within yourself. i realize your unhappy and you feel so mundane about life but please stop taking it out on people like your mother who mostly doesn't deserve it. yes there are some people who do deserve it like your father bc if he snaps you snap back and that is okay and justified.

i know its hard but writing seems to help, so why you do that everyday. dont be jealous of the life you wish you led, just keep reminding yourself that your sri lankan and because you are an only child you have to be perfect. everyone’s life takes them on different road and yours right now is apparently at a long ass traffic signal that wont turn green. but don't worry i have faith somehow someway when you least expect it it will turn green and you will be riding off in the sunset
Sincerely yours,

kulzum