the rut I'm in.

please excuse all grammar, and spelling errors :)

these are my journal entries and this blog is just for my short shorties/rants/rambling. these are all just a glimpse into my life.

MARCH-9-2010

Well I guess this is what its come to. I have to write down everything before I go insane. My whole life is a sham. I knew for a long time. This is the first time I said or wrote it down out loud. I guess I should start at the beginning. Well here it goes:

1. I hate my job. let me rephrase that i dont hate what i do, but i do hate working with my mother. Now i understand why people never go into business with their freinds and family. at the end of each day im ready to pull out my HAIR.

2. I hate that I have to resort to an arranged marriage. I guess deep down I am a romantic and the fact that I STILL havent found anyone is just starting to piss me off.

3. Im a hypocrite. I mean I guess everyone is to a certain extend but me more so that others bc im always on a soap box going on and on about people/society/culture and so on. yet, i do not follow anything of what i say.

that’s everything in a nutshell. God I sound suicidal. I just need to figure out my life/thoughts/future. I need to get away from my family and just escape. I can never fully be independent when everyone does everything for me. I know im more fortunate than most but seriously I cant help but wonder what it would be like if I didn’t have anyone to bail me out. by bail me out i dont mean from jail. i mean things like pay my high phone bills and parking tickets.

Im a good kid. Well I mean socially. Religiously and culturally I am definitely for sure going straight to hell first. From the outside everyone tells my parents how lucky they are to have such a great kid…my life would be a lot easier if i didnt live two lives but you see that would be hard to do. peer pressure is a horrible thing and makes one do things they regret but they learn from. on the other hand if i lived how my parents wanted me to i would never go out. i would wear shalwar kameez all the time and i would wear a hijab.

Being the only child adds pressure that one cannot imagine. I have to be perfect, I dnt have a choice. All my parents hopes and dreams ride on me. God it broke their heart when I told them I didn’t want to be a doctor I do not even want to think what would happen if I told them I just want to travel the world doing odd jobs wherever I go. It would seriously KILL my mother. I know it would. My father would probably look at me like he knew it was coming. i think i have disappointed him enough, i dnt think anything else i can say or do will shock him.

i will be posting more ramblings/rants shortly :)